Friday, June 08, 2007

First Page Challenge

As part of Julie Cohen's first page challenge I'm posting the first few paragraphs of my WIP, Her Client's Wishes. I'd love to hear comments:

“Wait, wait!” Tess shouted over the uneven clip-clop rhythm of her sensible heels on the black polished tiles. She hobbled towards the rapidly closing elevator doors attempting to balance the weight of an overstuffed briefcase on one shoulder while trying—unsuccessfully—to prevent the coffee in her other hand from sloshing through the hole in its plastic lid.

If she missed the elevator, she’d have to wait at least five minutes for the next one. She didn’t have the kind of time to spare. Not today.

Please, not today.

Comment: She's frantic, rushing to something very important to her that she absolutely can't be late for. Hopefully this makes you wonder what that is. Also she's the kind of woman who wears sensible shoes--no stilettos for this one.

Tess Morgan scanned the crowd of elevator passengers hoping that if she was able to make eye contact with just one of them they’d have to hold the door for her, right?

Unfortunately, making eye contact with anyone in a busy downtown Toronto elevator was down right unheard of. Avoid eye contact at all cost: the cardinal rule.

Her hobble advanced to an ungraceful scurry, but still no one made a move to hold the elevator.

The doors slid shut in her face.

After five years in this city why did she still hope for the same courtesy she’d get in her hometown? She was always disappointed.

Comment: She's not from Toronto and not used to the ways that people behave in big cities. Hopefully this gets across the idea that she's from a small town.


Grace Tyler said...

Marcy, I really like this and don't see any improvements to suggest right off.

I particularly like the title! Perfect for a category, and it's also intriguing and suggestive.

Marcy said...

Thanks, Grace. Off to take a look at yours!